


love less, sleep less

by junkeigo



Series: redox reaction [1]
Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Insomnia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:14:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23080780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junkeigo/pseuds/junkeigo
Summary: Maybe he died, after that morning he confronted Junki.
Relationships: Kawanishi Takumi/Kono Junki, Kono Junki/Sato Keigo
Series: redox reaction [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1698193
Comments: 13
Kudos: 23





	love less, sleep less

"So how are you sleeping so far?" Sho asks Keigo over breakfast, and he replies with a shrug.

"I don't." he replies simply, mind too much to process things further. He's currently dipping his spoon repeatedly on his bowl of cereal, his appetite minimal to none. He hasn't eaten properly in days now as far as he remembers.

"Have you taken your medicine?" Sho asks concernedly, and Keigo nods. No matter how sour his mood is, he can never act badly towards Sho, not when he's the most understanding one out of all of them.

"I do, every day. It doesn't help me if I take it or not, it's still the same." he says albeit a little too bitterly for his own liking, but he can't help it. He's become somewhat of a pessimist the more he couldn't sleep at night. He could see the way Sho's eyebrows furrow further as he frowns, and he hates to see it, the pity on his face for him.

Ruki is quiet for once on the table, pretending to scroll on his phone as if he isn't eavesdropping to the very public conversation they're having. Ren is doing the same on the other end of the table, and he just sighs in defeat as he finally shoves a spoonful of oatmeal. It tastes bland and disgusting, just like his feelings these past few days.

"Just follow the doctors’ orders, maybe your condition will get better soon..." Sho says hopefully, and he wants to say that it's never going to happen but his train of thought was stopped when two heads have decided to join them in the dining table. Junki sits on the seat across him, and Takumi hops on the other chair beside him. They both seem too cheery for such a very early time, and it makes Keigo feel sick.

"Why is everyone up so early? What's the meeting?" Junki asks, trying to break the ice.

"Nothing much, just early morning ramblings." Sho lies, much to Keigo's surprise.

The rest of the members begin to file in and nobody bothers him anymore about the medicine, and his apparent troubles. He slides out of the table when no one seems to be noticing his lack of interaction, and goes outside in the garden of their mansion.

He's not supposed to smoke, they're not allowed, but yet he does it. The texture of the smoke filling up his lungs calm him down in situations like this, and it's something he's grateful for.

"You shouldn't be smoking, it's still too early in the morning." he hears Junki from behind him, and then the sound of the door closing. He doesn't bother to look back at him-he has his face etched to his memory- and instead just huffs out the smoke.

"If I'm not caught then it's fine."

"Your health is going to deteriorate." Junki scolds him, and he wants to tell him that it's already crumbling down like a house of cards, so what's the point?

But he doesn't, and just answers him with silence.

Junki sits there silent. He's the loud mood maker of the group, but when he's with Keigo like this he is always quiet. Suddenly there is nothing that needs to be said, nothing coming out when there's a million things going inside Keigo's head.

So many words are hanging by a thread by the end of Keigo's tongue.

I love you.

Why are we like this?

Why can't it be me?

Will it ever be me?

I love you, even though it's not me.

It remains there, hanging, with the cigarette smoke coming from Keigo's lungs breezing past it turning it into an ashy matter of bittersweet regret.

-

Keigo is not as dumb as people think he is.

Sure, he's bad at public speaking, and he can't seem to say the right words, but beyond that bumbling mess in front of thousands of fans he is smarter than what most people would assume. Also because it doesn't take a genius to figure out what type of person Junki is.

Junki has his heart on his sleeve, he's way too transparent and he doesn't even realize it himself. Keigo wishes that among that transparency, he can see himself somewhere in Junki, but right now there's little to a slim chance even after years of him trying to wiggle himself in there. It's frustrating, and he used to be very optimistic about it. At first the hurdle he had to go through was Minato, whose existence filled the core of Junki's being. Keigo remembers watching Junki thank the latter during the finale, and then mention him in a few interviews with a happy face on post debut. It took him quite some time to try and squeeze in himself in the tiny cracks where Junki isn't occupied by Minato, and even before he could expand on that— there came Takumi.

Kawanishi Takumi with his pink hair and big smile and bright sparkling aura.

Junki must be attracted to bright and sparkling things, because it didn't take long for him to deflate the Minato shaped hole in his heart and have a Takumi shaped one instead. What Keigo tried so hard to work on was easily attained by Takumi, and in no time both of them were seeing each other exclusively.

Keigo knows he's not alone in hurting. He could see the way Ren still longingly looks at Takumi when he thinks no one is looking, and he can sympathize with him. Both of them were working towards things that couldn't materialize— they were both ambitious. He doesn't talk about it with Ren, but when they're both sitting beside each other alone in between breaks or in the practice room there is some sense of empathy and solidarity over the situation. He knows that Ren can understand his feelings to some extent in the same way that he can but with him. They're both hurting, without the right to actually be in pain because they're both not entitled to.

It's been a while since Takumi and Junki are going out. They have rearranged their rooms recently, with him and Ren rooming beside each other and Takumi and Junki adjacent to theirs but upstairs. Their mansion is big but the walls are thin, so every conversation isn't quite left unheard, especially if one of the speakers involved is the ever so loud mouthed Junki. Keigo can't help but think that wow, they must be having the time of their lives with the amount of times he can hear Junki giggle and laugh when they're together. The sounds they make when they get too intimate or sexual doesn’t go unnoticed too, considering the placement of their rooms. Keigo can hear it, and if he can he knows that Ren from the other room can too. He wonders how Ren deals with it—hearing Takumi loud in the wee hours of night screaming in ecstasy. He wonders how Ren deals with it, because he’s doing a shitty way of coping up with it and would like to know how to stay sane in the process.

All of it honestly puts him in a bad mood, and for the team he just tries to hide it through his poker face that he mimics from Sukai.

-

Sometimes, there are days that he likes Junki so much that it physically pains him in the chest.

He wonders what's wrong with him, what was lacking or missing, what doesn't appeal to Junki. When Junki needed someone he was always there, almost pathetically, one call away. When Junki was going through hardships he was the one who pushed him and helped him stand up. If he was always there for him the same way Minato did back in those days, then why can't he be at least in the same level as him or Takumi?

The thoughts bother him like minor inconveniences are to normal people. It's short, annoying, and yet painful in some ways. He lies down on his bed looking up at the ceiling, at 4AM, thinking about everything and nothing at the same time but feeling the weight of the galaxy in his heart that drags him down until he's sinking on his own bed.

It gets harder and harder for him to get up every day, as much as it is hard for him to fall asleep.

-

Sho knows everything. Even without him telling him directly he just know he does. It's in the way that Sho looks at him with those pity eyes, concern filled face trained at him every time he refuses to eat or take a nap.

"I worry about you a lot." Sho tells him one of those nights that he's caught smoking again, this time in the patio overlooking the garden. Sho would never tell on him, he knows just as much.

"Worry about the other boys more, I can take care of myself." he quips back.

"Can you? Have you been sleeping properly again? You're not." Sho outs him, and he doesn't like lying to him so he doesn't answer instead. "I'm not going to tell you what to feel and what not to feel, I don't have the accountability for your emotions. But I do have the accountability for your health and actions that will affect the group, and we need you Keigo. The real Keigo. Not the shell of who he was."

There is a sharp stinging pain in his chest when Sho says it, and he drags the smoke he blows out as he exhales hoping it goes away.

"I can't promise you that, but I'll try."

"Mame worries about you. You think nobody notices, but most of us do." Sho says, and he knows the words 'but not Junki' is probably lingering in there somewhere. “Go to the doctor again this weekend. Maybe, if you’d like, I can tell the manager to set up an appointment with you to the therapist—“ Sho suggests, and he shrugs his head.

“I’m not good at talking.” He says simply, and it’s true. Sho exhales loudly, seemingly done with the conversation.

“Come back in and sleep after finishing that.” He points at Keigo’s cigarette, and goes back inside leaving him again in peace.

The silence envelops him again, the moonlight breaking the dimness of the night and the shadow his puffed smoke creates. His heart feels like it’s been clawed at again, and he knows he’ll never be able to sleep again tonight even if he tried.

-

They’re shooting a new variety show, and Keigo tries to pull his own weight and act as if he hasn’t been suffering these past few months.

It’s the least he could do, considering how much the team is important to him and to each other.

He acts like he’s having fun, clowning around like he used to do. At some point he even forgets that he’s acting, and just lets himself go along with the flow—laugh with Syoya here and there, pat Shosei on the head, and then occasionally look at Junki and put a hand on his shoulder. But very carefully, as if any moment that Junki notices he might shrug it off.

(He never does, just like how he let Keigo did it ages ago, and it was those moments that Keigo treasured because it was the only time he had skinship with Junki.)

He knows the fans like seeing them together, and Junki does too—so every now and then they’d try to do something together that they know their fans would like. Maybe a little push here, or a little hit there. Keigo is enjoying it more than he should. But after that Junki would always come back to Takumi, draping himself all over him and playing with his hair, and clinging on to him like a koala bear. Meanwhile Keigo has to stand beside them or behind him pretending everything is okay and he is not hurting at all.

The shooting ends at 3 in the morning, and most of the members are already down and exhausted. They’ve all resorted to sleeping in the van already, while he and Ruki are the only ones awake. Ruki, because he never just sleeps before 4AM. It’s not clinically diagnosed like Keigo’s, but he thinks Ruki should have it checked out too. He’s not really in the best space to suggest when and why should people visit a hospital so he leaves the suggestion unspoken.

They arrive in the mansion after 2 hours, and the members sleepily stumble their way in. He excuses himself, preferably to have a smoke, when Junki joins him again in the patio. They’re both still wearing their clothes from the shoot, and Junki has a mug of coffee with him, meaning he’s intending on staying.

“You should go to sleep.” Keigo tells him, before pulling out the box of cigarettes from his pocket.

“You should go to sleep too.” Junki retorts back, and Keigo snorts. He missed how Junki was sassy with him like this, because they were the same age and didn’t have to be formal with each other.

“I don’t feel sleepy.”

“That’s not possible. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you sleep yet since yesterday.” Junki points out his observation, and Keigo shrugs.

“I just don’t feel like it.”

“We worry about you.” Junki cuts to the chase, and there it is. Keigo realizes now what is happening in front of him. “Mame does, Shosei does, Sho for the most part does—“

“How about you?” he cuts the raven haired man’s thoughts. He looks at him from where he’s sitting. “Do you worry about me?”

“Of course I do. You’re my friend, my teammate. We need you well. I need you well.” Junki stresses it out, and Keigo laughs, a little too loudly for his comfort.

“You don’t mean that.” He spits out as if the words are made with poison.

“Cut the crap Keigo. What’s up with you?” Junki seems offended by what he said, and Keigo lit his cigarette first before pointing at his direction.

“What’s up with you too? Why do you suddenly care about me when you never did?” he feels his voice become tenser and his breathing faster. He takes a drag of the cigarette.

“What do you mean, why do I suddenly care? I always cared. I don’t know what you’re seeing with those eyes, but I can tell you for a fact that I care for each and every one of you in this team. Now if you care as much as I do for yourself then you won’t be like this. You do know you’ve changed, right? And it’s not for the better.” Junki’s voice is shaking as he rants out, the coffee slightly spilling on his pants from the intensity.

“I changed because of you.” Keigo says simply, looking straight into Junki’s eyes.

“Why are you putting the blame back to me?” Junki asks him.

“Because whatever I did, it was not enough. It will never be enough. I thought I was so close you know? I was finally in line of your sight. It’s selfish of me to think and feel happy knowing you’re not with Minato and finally you can see me back then. I thought that was enough, then it wasn’t again.” Junki is staring at him with a confused look on his face, and Keigo continues. “I don’t know if you’re just dense or you’re playing games with me that I don’t want to play. Because I’m tired Junki. I love you so much that I was willing to do a lot of things, sacrifice a lot of things on the line, but it was never enough and I don’t know if you’re still playing this sick game with me or not. So you don’t have a right to lecture me on how I’ve changed and how I’m ruining myself, not when it’s all because of you.”

Keigo’s head feels empty, now that he’d said everything he needed to say.

Junki puts down the cup of coffee on the small table in front of him and refuses to look up. He’s playing with the hem of his shirt, probably thinking of what to say. Keigo moves back to smoking his cigarette.

“I didn’t know.” Junki says, after such a long silence. Keigo almost laughs because really? That’s all you have to say for yourself? After everything I said?

“Of course you didn’t.” he says a bit too bitter.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry if you’re not.”

“Why are you being so rude to me?”

“I would rather hate you now than love you again.” He admits, and it’s true. If hating Junki was going to be easier than loving Junki then he would take it any time of the day. “But the sad thing is I never stopped loving, so I have a long way to go.”

Junki gives out a loud exhale, and then nods.

“Okay.”

Junki then leaves just like that, leaving the cup of coffee behind that he never even had the chance to drink. Keigo feels drained, and as the sun begins to peek from the horizon he goes back on the things he said and rewrote it over and over in his head.

-

They don’t talk, that much is given.

Junki is good at acting, Keigo discovers.

He’s good at making sure that nothing was wrong, but at the same time Keigo is there but he doesn’t acknowledge his appearance and pretends he’s a ghost. That, or he just doesn’t want to talk to him at all.

Takumi would sometimes initiate a conversation with him, and Junki will arrive to tell him something, but pretends as if Takumi was talking to no one. He’s doing a very great job of being subtle about it, that it makes Keigo doubt himself if he’s really still alive at all.

Maybe he died, after that morning he confronted Junki.

Sho is giving him those knowing inquisitive eyes, sensing that something is up but whenever Sho corners him he tells him he’s fine, he’s taking the meds and sleeping (which is a lie, he still can’t sleep) just to make him get off his back.

The next time he and Junki talked, was when Junki was drunk.

He wasn’t in the state where he had like 1 bottle to fall asleep, he was intensely drunk out of his wits.

Keigo doesn’t know much about the details, but despite their house being a mansion it’s still not that big to not know that for some reason Junki and Takumi fought a while back. Junki went out, and then returned to the mansion in that state.

Keigo is stunned when he opens the door of his room to him, to which Junki falls into his capable arms. He smells like alcohol, and he’s mumbling something that Keigo can’t catch. Keigo wishes that he wasn’t this in love with Junki, because the raven haired male being in his arms like this is enough to make his heart beat race as if he was running.

“Keigo.” He hears Junki mention in the pool of mumbled jumbled words he’s saying, and he hums a confirmation as he sets Junki down to sit on his bed.

“Do you think… do… we have a chance?” Junki asks, head lolling to one side then the other in his drunken stupor. Keigo stood in front of him, sighing deeply. Junki will not remember anything in the morning if he’s like this.

“I don’t know. It’s all up to you to decide.” Keigo says, and Junki nods heavily.

“Because—because…” Junki seems to want to say something but he couldn’t wrap his head around it, and so Keigo took his time, taking a wet towel from his bathroom to rub against Junki’s face.

“Hey!” Junki complains like a kid, and Keigo does the same thing again. He was about to do it again when Junki holds both of his wrists firmly, only to press his lips against him.

Junki tastes like alcohol, but the feeling is sensational. His lips are soft against Keigo’s, and Keigo couldn’t help but melt himself into it. He kisses him back, gentle, as if their lips are dancing with each other. Junki falls back on the bed and Keigo is on top of him as they continue making out like that, and it’s nothing like Keigo ever imagined his kiss with Junki to be like.

Every sense of rationing is thrown out of the window, and every sense that needs to be snapped out of is dulled to evaporate.

Keigo wants to remember everything, even if Junki won’t, because it will be the only time the other male will give himself like this to him.

-

In the morning when he wakes up after a short sleep, Junki is not on the bed.

As expected.

But what surprises Keigo, was that Junki remembers.

-

Every time they’re away from the prying eyes of the members, he and Junki kiss as if there’s no tomorrow.

He knows it’s wrong. Takumi is a nice person. Takumi never did him any wrong. Takumi just happened to like the person he liked as well. But that said person they both liked is grabbing fistfuls of his sweater as they make out in a fire exit at the moment, and all reasoning is suddenly gone.

Junki must be getting some thrill from it, Keigo thinks. Why else would he willingly give it away like this after hearing everything he said that one morning? It confuses Keigo, but complaining about it is a thought that scares him.

If the only way he can get Junki was like this, then he’s willing to take every chance he gets.

They don’t share much words between each other, just actions. He feels an itch when he sees Junki acting normal alongside Takumi, who has no idea with what’s going on. He feels guilty, as he’s only human, but thinking of the way Junki holds him as they share a moment tears him in two.

Junki tells him to not think or worry about it, one time they were catching their breath. 

-

Despite being involved with Junki in some sort of escapade, that doesn’t stop Junki from still dating Takumi, and it absolutely doesn’t stop Keigo’s sleeping problems.

The days pass by that he is hooked to Junki, the more he couldn’t sleep. The most he gets is an hour. He feels grumpy most of the time and his thinking has dulled and slowed down in a sense that he can’t think for too long. The guilt of having Junki cheat with Takumi is another cross he has to bear, and it adds to the list of things he has to think about instead of sleeping.

He knows no one would side with him. Not even Ren or Sho, who—despite knowing what he’s going through—are both morally upright people. They would tell him it was his fault for giving in and letting it happen. In the end, he’ll always be the bad guy.

He’s about to take a smoke break—yes, he still hasn’t quit it yet— when he passes by Junki and Takumi by the kitchen. He hides himself, but still lets himself be of earshot.

They’re talking about something Keigo can’t place, but then he hears his name and he presses his back on the wall further to hear.

“Does he know that I know?” Takumi whispers, but loud enough to be heard.

“I don’t think so. I told him not to worry about it.” Junki answers nonchalantly, the sound of the knife hitting the chopping board echoing.

“Do you think he’ll get better now? I mean, if he said you’re the reason then—“

“I hope he does. I mean, what else can be done? Sho says he doesn’t want to go to therapy—“

“I feel bad honestly. I feel like part of it is my fault.” Takumi is solemn, and Keigo feels his head spinning and breathing heavy.

“It’s not your fault. If anything, it was my fault, because I think I led him on. I feel bad, I wish I could like him the way he likes me, so it wouldn’t come to this.” Junki says, and Keigo’s hands are balled into fists so hard his nails are digging into his skin.

The house is suddenly too stuffy for him, so he practically almost runs to the front gate out, closing the door haphazardly behind him. He runs around the vicinity until his lungs can’t take it anymore and he’s sobbing, hands on his knees. He’s never cried like this in a long time, and he feels so bad he wants to throw up his own heart. He’s choking on his own breath and tears with how he’s crying, and his knees are wobbly so he falls on the asphalt road, just meters away from their front gate.

“You’re pathetic Sato Keigo. Absolutely pathetic.”

-

When he returns to the mansion it’s already dark out, and he’d only returned because he’d already run out of cigarettes to smoke. He trudges inside the mansion, and he can hear Mame call his name but he’s not in the mood—not anymore—to talk to any single one of them. He throws his Nike shoes away and continues walking barefoot around the house to his room. He can see Ruki looking at him with his eyebrows raised when he passed by him but he doesn’t probe, and that’s best that he didn’t.

Keigo looks for another box of cigarettes in his drawer the moment he enters, and he begins to smoke while his hands are still shaking by the doorframe. There’s a window overlooking the outside just by his door, so that’s where he inhales the smoke out.

He’s on his 4th stick when Junki passes by his room, walking from whichever he came from. Keigo is staring at him intently, and Junki has no intentions of stopping so Keigo pulls him back by his wrist.

“Where are you going?” Keigo asks him, voice too low and too foreign sounding even to his own ears.

“I’m going to Takumi’s room. Let me go.” Junki says calmly, resolve driven.

“What if I tell you that you can’t?” he asks him, and he could see Junki’s face harden.

“You don’t have any right to tell me what to do.” Junki is stern now, and Keigo’s grip on his wrist tightens.

“Just like you don’t have any rights to lie and make me look like a fool. Fuck you Junki, I must have looked so funny to you and Takumi. Are you that bored now? That I’m your source of entertainment?” Keigo is shaking mad, as he pulls Junki towards him and clutching his other wrist as well.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about—“ Junki tries but Keigo slaps him hard in the face.

“Don’t lie, I know you know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re a liar Junki. You’re cruel.” Keigo feels his teeth grit so hard that it’s painful already, but that was the least of his priorities at that moment.

“Let me go, Keigo.” Junki warns him.

“Or what? What are you going to do, Junki? When you’ve already hurt me time and time again? What else can you hurt me with? Do you know you’re the reason I can’t sleep at all? When you go up there to Takumi’s room every goddamn night and you fuck him until he screams, do you know that I get to hear it loud and clear? I get to hear it so clear that even if I put a pillow so hard against my ears I still hear it, I hear you moaning his name until you come. Did you know that? You probably intentionally did that.” Keigo’s nails are digging through Junki’s arms now, and he drags Junki towards his room.

Junki is fighting to break free, but he never had the strongest grip and Keigo always was the physically powerful one between them. Keigo fumbles for something in his drawer, and he only lets go of Junki to pry the bottle he’s holding open. Junki tries to make a break for the door but Keigo pulls him back until he’s down on the floor, squirming as Keigo looms over him holding his jaw to pry his mouth open. Junki is now begging him to let him go, calling his name to snap him out of it but Keigo is gone and nothing is penetrating through him anymore.

“Please—don’t—Keigo—“ Junki cries out as Keigo pries his mouth open, emptying the contents of the bottle he’s ever so familiar with. The sleeping pills occupy Junki’s mouth and some of it spilled on to the floor. Keigo is covering his mouth so Junki wouldn’t spit it out, and Junki tries all of his best to make a muffled scream as he chokes on the pills.

Keigo could feel Junki’s restraining dwindle down, until he ultimately stops moving and his hands trying to peel Keigo away limps down.

Keigo catches his breath as he looks at Junki sleeping peacefully like that. He had always looked like an angel in Keigo’s eyes.

He carries Junki and places him on his bed. He clears out the pills that spilled on the floor and hid them in his drawer. He’s about to close the drawer door when there’s a knock on his own, and when he opens Takumi is there standing.

“Sorry to bother, but there was noise earlier. Are you okay?” Takumi asks, trying to observe him and peek inside the room.

“I’m fine, Takumi. Thank you for asking.” He answers, and Takumi sighs.

“Okay, that’s good. Also have you seen Junki?”

“He passed by earlier. Said he’s going straight to sleep because he’s not feeling well.”

“Oh, okay. Thanks Keigo. Sorry for bothering.” Takumi gives him a small smile before he closes the door on him.

Keigo is impatient, as he only kept on thinking about one thing when Takumi distracted him earlier.

Junki is still peacefully sleeping on his bed when he returns, and he moves him so that there’s space for two of them on the bed. He puts a blanket on top of them and he hugs Junki.

Just like that—with Junki tucked asleep beside him, Keigo feels like he’s finally going to have a good night’s sleep.

**Author's Note:**

> talk to me on twitter @ for__jo1


End file.
